To those people out there who are in the online dating game. I feel for you.
When I was dating, I would describe myself as a person who absolutely hates online dating. Even though I had met some great people (including my boyfriend). I believe a lot of the time it was a cause of crazy making, disappointments, miscommunications, and superficiality.
All of this to say, it’s probably not going anywhere any time soon. So what we need to do is ask ourselves: How can I work with this, and maximize this experience? How do I date in the age of online dating?
Below I have a list of five tips on how to approach online dating and make your experience with dating a little less painful:
Tip #1 – Intimately know your desires in dating but surrender not getting them
Ideally, you probably should have a decent answer to these questions; What type of relationship do I want? Do I want to get married someday? Do I want to have children? Would I be able to handle a long-distance relationship, or do I want to be with someone close by? What are my core values in life?
If you have no idea how to answer any of these questions. You will be almost guaranteed to attract someone just as confused as you are. Of course, are you allowed to date without knowing what you want? Yes. But just know the quality/quantity of people you attract may be affected by this.
… Knowing what you want is a very powerful thing. It helps you have boundaries, and clarity. But what’s more powerful is surrendering NOT getting it. We put so much pressure on each other in today’s society that if you are not in a relationship or married, you have somehow failed in life.
In my experience, in long periods of singlehood I had so many times where I felt so happy and amazing being on my own but received shame from others just simply because I wasn’t in a relationship. I think your life is greatly enriched by being in a committed partnership, but I ALSO believe there is a richness to being single.
Ultimately, your fate of whether or not you end up in a partnership, multiple partnerships throughout your life, or single forever is between you and God. NO ONE ELSE.
Tip #2 – Be authentic, and also develop your ability to detect liars/weirdos
Your dating profile should be a reflection of who you are, not who you WANT to be.
Do you have photos of you with tons of makeup? Do you only take photos of your good sides? When you chat with people, do you just tell them what they want to hear? This isn’t a play you are auditioning for; this is real life.
Unfortunately, a lot of times we build up this idea of someone (usually based on our own projections) of what they could be like when you meet them. It’s better to set the bar low on your dating profile, then its less likely for disappointments when you do meet someone in the flesh.
It’s important to be honest, for example – being honest about the things you want as discussed in tip #1. Even if that means all you want to do is have casual relationships. It wastes ALOT less time for both people involved.
Usually, the best way to repel people who are just talking out of their “behind” is to be an honest and forthright person yourself. But of course, you can’t fully prevent every single person who is a guilt-free liar.
Some of these questions would be good to ask yourself when you are deciding whether or not you should meet someone: Do they ask you five billion questions (personal questions) with a sense of urgency? Do they talk to you every five seconds, and then all of a sudden drop off the face of the planet, then start talking again like nothing happened? Do they ask for nudes, whether it’s right away or later on? (Don’t send them) Is there this sparky sense of “wow this person seems amazing” but you are also wondering if it’s too good to be true?…
Now, of course there are exceptions to these. But generally speaking, I call out a weirdo in most of these instances.
Tip #3 – When you decide you would like to meet someone, don’t treat it as a date
Yes, I know but it’s online “dating” right?
In my years of dating, I personally stopped taking it that seriously. I took what I wanted seriously, but I learned over time not to expect the same from others. As soon as you stamp that DATE label on the meet up, it puts way too much pressure on the situation. It’s better to go into any of these meetings with the mindset of meeting up with a friend, acquaintance, or a fellow brother/sister of the human race.
You have no idea what they could even be to you yet. Most of the time, they usually end up being that person you hung out with once, had a coffee, and were just sort’ve “meh” about. Nothing more than a blink in the span of your lifetime.
Go into your meet up with the mindset of curiosity. What could you learn from this whole experience? If you talked about some interesting things while talking online, what is one thing you could learn from this person?
Mostly everything you do in life is sort’ve like a practice run. You get a little more confident every single time you meet someone new, you get a little wiser, and hey who knows they could also be someone who is a significant person in the unfolding of your life (that doesn’t always mean your soul mate).
Tip #4 – The meet up went well, but don’t get too excited yet
Usually what happens now is the game playing that we have all been programmed to play.
I’m telling you right now, game playing is the biggest waste of time. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. If both of you are playing “hard to get”, you both won’t GET each other.
Remember what I said in tip #3? you just met up with your acquaintance. You really have no idea who this person is, think about the long run. It takes about a full year to really get to know someone intimately. So, before you start romanticizing a two-hour coffee date, slow it down and keep your feet on the ground.
(See 7 Questions to Ask Yourself If It’s Obsession or True Love)
I don’t like rules about “when should you text him/her after the first date”. Generally speaking, contact someone when you genuinely want to. This also goes for when/if they contact you, respond if you would like to respond. Don’t pretend to be coy if you really aren’t coy.
Don’t pretend to be busy when you aren’t really that busy. Again, this all comes down to being who you really are. Ideally, you should already be creating a life for yourself, whether you are with someone or not.
Tip #5 – Don’t stop at one person right away
Sure, you started talking to someone awesome. You guys went on one or two meet ups. Things are going well. But it’s only been a couple weeks. May as well just delete your dating profile and start assuming you have a future together. WRONG.
As I said in tip #4, it takes a good year to really get to know someone. Therefore, there is still a lot of time for things to go south with you two (and of course, I know there are exceptions). What do I suggest? I suggest you still keep getting to know people, which includes even meeting up with people. Now, that does not mean you sleep with a bunch of people. Ideally, you do this with class.
What I am saying, is that you stay curious. You are curious about getting to know different types of people- as a friend, acquaintance, and fellow human being.
Unless the awesome person you met previously wants to have a conversation about where the relationship is headed (or you do). You do not assume you two are in a committed relationship.
Unfortunately, we are a living in modern times, so we are very seldom settling for the first person who catches our eye (especially with the illusion of choice with online dating). Because of this, we have to learn how to evolve with it and figure out how to navigate the new dating landscape.
I promise you, when you learn to adopt this mentality, you will realize that the people who are worth your time and attention will rise to the top and you can test your “trust” muscles that things will work out however they are supposed to. You must learn to be unattached to any outcome (I KNOW ITS HARD).
* * *
As a person who is a die-hard fan of monogamy and all-in committed relationships/marriage, this way of dating was a very hard concept for me to take on. But what truly helped me was not seeing any one of the opposite sex as any more than a friend.
And then asking myself, one day at a time, do I want to go on the next meet up?
I’m very in love with my boyfriend and being in a committed relationship whole-heartedly has its own kind of excitement. I have to admit that even with the disappointments, there is also an exciting element to being single and dating with this mindset.
I would advise anyone who is currently single and dating – above anything else, have fun with it. Enjoy every moment, because if what you are looking for is that REAL, committed partnership – just remember, all it takes is ONE.
This post was inspired by:
Jack Butler
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