Most of my life I have had this obsession. This obsession centered around relationships – what makes them work, and what causes them to fail. Ever since I was a young girl, I would always be observing couples.
I found that there were so many different dynamics that appeared to flow nicely, as well as ones that could not stand the test of time. My quest was to find answers. This was driven from my own personal relationship struggles. I would always be wondering, what makes a relationship last?
I would always find myself asking couples’ questions. Questions such as: Are your personalities alike or different? Do you think it is better to be alike or different? Do you still feel the spark after all these years?
How do you keep that going? What is the biggest thing you have learned from being married? How often do you fight? Do you fight about the same things over and over? What do you think keeps you two together?
My parents would always tell me I am analyzing this too much…. I wonder why?
Nonetheless, I am a person that seems to place a lot of importance on pattern recognition. I have managed to recognize some consistencies in what I have observed in couples, and from my own experiences.
Below, I have compiled six little pieces of wisdom I have accumulated from my years of questioning:
1) You are in a partnership, not ownership
When you are in a partnership for so many years, you become attached. This is not something that’s necessarily bad (in some instances it could be), but its natural. As a result, sometimes this attachment causes us to think that we are part of our partner in some way.
Which in a lot of ways we are, we become spiritually, emotionally, and physically connected. But we are not in fact them.
As beautiful as this attachment is, there is no such thing as a one-sided coin. On the other side, there is the impulse to want to control the other person, people-please when there is conflict, or believe they feel exactly what you feel in each moment.
These impulses appear as the ugly need for control, but when you look underneath them – they are simply a need to preserve the attachment you have developed with each other.
When we are feeling this need for control, it is good to remind ourselves that even though we are attached and connected to our partner, we are also living in a completely different mind, body and spirit.
2) Communication is necessary for connection, but learn how to develop your “personal filter.”
Of course this is the one we hear all the time – “communication is number one”. What I have learned is that while communication is incredibly important, we also need to develop some tact. We must each grow the ability to “filter our thoughts”.
Yes, you should be able to communicate with your partner about important concerns most of the time without a negative response. But these important concerns must first get through your own “personal filter”. It is about developing your ability to say more, with less.
When an issue or concern comes up. These personal filter questions may help: is this something I can deal with on my own or is my partners assistance necessary? Is this something that has been coming up repeatedly, or is it something that just came up now?
If this concern is necessary to address, how can you visualize your partner receiving this concern? How can you deliver your concern in a way that they can hear? This is not an exhaustive list of questions, but some to consider.
With communication, we also cannot underestimate the importance of communicating about the positive aspects of the relationship and your partner. This means you communicate about the things you are grateful for, and the things you love about each other.
This requires you to be a partner that pays attention to things your partner does. You were both put on this earth to bring something to the world, and as a partner – you get to witness that up close and personal.
As the years pass, we tend to become complacent and the things we love about our partners seem to fade out of sight. Occasionally, try to imagine your life without them. Focusing on the qualities you are grateful for, is in fact a muscle to be developed.
3) When life gets difficult you must be able to support each other, but you are still responsible for your own emotional wellbeing.
I had often used to wonder, if you are the one responsible for your own difficulties through life, why be in a relationship?
Well, this goes back to point number one. You and your partner are in completely different bodies. You do not own each other’s emotions or purpose in life. So, then for what do you need the other person?
Well, you need a partner, and relationships in general for the purpose of personal growth, and to experience devotion to another person. It would be too easy not to enter into any relationship or marriage for your entire life. We could all just live in our single bubbles and not have our own beliefs questioned.
Booooooring.
When you are with a person for any length of time, you will experience a “taste of your own medicine”. This will inevitably bring up emotions and experiences that are coming up for the purpose of being healed. The relationship is the catalyst to force you into healing the areas within you (if you decide to view it that way).
Ideally, you want to develop a relationship where you can be each other’s “healing partners”. Now, you are the one in charge of handling the emotions that come up and taking responsibly where necessary. But your partner is doing the same alongside you.
With your partner, you have two paths running next to each other, and those paths will both have great joy and pain – and you both get to witness and support each other’s path (at times with delight and sometimes with annoyance).
4) Aim to develop the dance between closeness and distance.
Distance is what keeps things mysterious, desirable and alive. And closeness is what maintains the stable, and reliable connection.
Yes, you can have two much of either.
This is what a lot of couples describe as the “dance”. When you are dancing with a partner, you take two steps forward and one step back. Of course, this dynamic can be different from couple to couple (and sometimes you step on each other’s toes). Ideally, you want to aim to develop this flow of being more merged with each other, and then being more separate. This isn’t a black and white thing, but it is more of a spectrum.
What does this mean? It means that you maintain your individual life, hobbies, friends/family, time alone and your purpose in the world. Which creates that healthy distance from your partner. While also maintaining closeness with your partner.
Which means spending quality time, communicating, and doing activities together (cooking, dates, and other fun things). Over time, couples who have been together for years have been able to become experts at the dance, they start to intuitively feel when they need to be together, as well as apart.
In Disney movies, we have been programmed to believe that once we meet the person of our “dreams” they are going to become our entire lives. You’ve heard “you complete me” too many times before.
God is the only one who completes you, a true partner compliments you. While I do whole-heartedly believe relationships are one of the most important areas of life (and consume a lot of it). They shouldn’t be the focus of your ENTIRE life.
5) Don’t stop going on dates, this is equally important after children come into the picture.
A lot of the time we begin a relationship with our “best foot forward”. We want to impress our partner, show them all of our good sides. Because we are trying to be loved by them and we go on a lot of dates.
Over time, this concept seems to go out the window. You get married, and again like I said in point one – you think you “own” them now. Just like the gratitude muscle, we need to develop our ability to continue putting in effort into the relationship.
Making the time to go on dates with your partner is like tending to your “relationship garden”. It’s very easy to just slowly quit doing this over time. But you run the risk of your relationship becoming a garden that looks a bit withered.
Think of it like starting a work out routine, you don’t work out to get in shape right now. You do it to be in shape in the future. Then sometimes you actually really start to love working out. And as a result, you are a healthier person. Keep aiming to make that time together, you will have a healthier relationship in the long-run.
Going on dates doesn’t always mean going out on the town and dressing up nice. It could be something as simple as going for a walk together and cooking together. The key is doing things together that add positive “deposits” to the relationship, like a bank account.
Why is it important to still go on dates even after the children? Because the relationship is the foundation for your children. If the relationship is treated with maintenance and care, then your children are more likely to benefit from this greatly.
Another important reason is that when your children grow older and spread their wings – you both will be less likely to be “alone” with each other when the nest starts emptying.
6) There isn’t a one size fits all approach to relationships, in a lot of ways – you are going in on faith alone.
Life is truly a mystery, and relationships are an even bigger mystery – I think that’s why I find them so fascinating.
One thing I’ve learned from my curious questions over the years, is that so many things work differently for many people. The pursuit to find the truth about relationships and what works seems to be a contradictory rabbit hole.
You hear little snippets of advice like “opposites attract” or “people that like the same things, tend to like each other” or “you shouldn’t be fighting” or “you SHOULD be fighting”. It can get quite confusing to know which advice to follow when you are having struggles in this area.
The biggest thing we have to accept, is that with the decision to commit to someone. We are also making the decision to go in somewhat blindly. They say trusting each other is foundational to all relationships, which it is.
But the biggest person you need to trust is yourself, and have faith in God’s plan for you.
All we know is what we know right now, and we carry on with faith that things will work out. And if they don’t work out, or if one day our partner leaves us or leaves this earth before us. We have to keep developing our inner strength to face whatever happens – with our partner or not.
I find so many people in my generation are terrified to fail in relationships, to get a divorce, and as a result have a lot of trust issues. They get stuck in this indecisiveness about whether or not to commit, and to be honest – I am a little concerned about the future of relationships because of this (this is a whole other topic). It’s not too surprising why anyone would be weary, but I think a little courage is in order.
Ultimately, the only way of gaining wisdom from relationships, is going through the experience yourself. Then you develop your own version of advice that you could maybe share with a curious soul like myself one day.
This post was inspired by:
Jordan Peterson
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