There is this current phenomenon of “spotting red flags” in people early on in a dating context.
When I was dating I was certainly on high alert with people. Just waiting for the other shoe to drop, or looking out for any sign of trouble.
There is certainly some truth that there are red flags to watch out for in people. And there is definitely something to be said about “going with your gut.”
But…
Have there been times when you were wrong about what your gut was telling you? Have there been times when you thought someone had ill-intent, but actually didn’t?
While I believe there are some people who are extremely DIALED in to their intuitive hits. I really don’t think the average person gets it right 100% of the time. If we did, life would look a lot different.
So instead of giving you questions to ask yourself whether or not someone you are dealing with is a dangerous psychopath. I’m going to offer you something else to think about…
Here are 6 questions to ponder to try and decode those “red flags” you may be seeing:
1) What are MY red flags?
Now, I know you are busy looking outward at the other person wondering what the heck is wrong with them. But what about going inward?
If you were to put yourself in the other person’s perspective and witness what red flags you might be waving – what would they be?
Have you been fully honest about your wants, needs, and desires? Have you been manipulating the situation in any way? Have you been pretending to look a certain way? Are you a bit of a slob? Are you considerate of the other person’s wants, needs, and desires?
Whatever it is, consider it.
I know it’s easier to try and protect yourself by looking at what they are doing wrong. But every relationship/dating situation is an opportunity to put a mirror up and reflect on your shortcomings.
2) What am I afraid of?
Red flags can often serve as a way to try to gain quick answers about someone’s intentions and therefore try to control a certain outcome in your favour. Usually by trying to have some sort of “advantage” on the other person – maybe even beating them to the punch and dumping them first lol.
Really though, imagine the worst thing happening.
You gave someone the benefit of the doubt and it didn’t work out. Is that really the worst that can happen?
Of course, I think if someone has shown you VERY clearly that they have bad intentions, you going in different directions in life and/or you are clearly incompatible. Then by all means – do not continue. You should also give YOURSELF a timeline on how long you are willing to see this thing through.
However, even if you are a mastermind detective and you are right about this person’s red flags. It really doesn’t change the outcome of the relationship – it either will continue or it won’t. No big deal.
3) Does this relationship need more time?
There are certain situations where time is a factor.
I had a couple experiences where I figured someone was lying to me. And surprise, surprise – they WERE.
However, that previous experience clouded me with a certain type of behaviour to watch out for in another person.
…But this exact behaviour in the lying person – happened to look the exact same in the honest person.
I know it’s complicated – you’ve been hurt. But there are certain situations where you need to doubt your doubts.
Ask yourself: Does this need more time for things to unfold so your eyes can become a little clearer? What I thought was a “red flag” initially in the honest person, ended up resolving itself in later times. But “red flags” in a dishonest person, come up again and again and again till you can’t ignore it anymore. (And you usually feel like you are going insane).
This literally can work either way – your eyes can become clearer leading you in a positive OR negative direction. Either way – the goal is to learn how to trust the process.
4) Is this a pattern that is constantly showing up in my relationships?
Instead of calling them “red flags” you can really just call them “patterns.”
This can sometimes come up when you ask yourself what red flags or patterns you have.
Are you attracting the same type of man or woman over and over again? Let’s say they are usually non-committal, late for everything, forget things you tell them, and inconsiderate in a plethora of ways. But at least they are easy-going, funny, and show they care sometimes right?
I know I just said sometimes the same behaviour can mean different things in different people. But if you have shone a light at your own red flags and you are noticing the EXACT same traits over and over again in someone else..
Then maybe…
Consider the question of what exactly makes YOU attracted to those traits in others? You might gain some helpful insights from your answer(s).
5) If your friend was YOU and they were going through this exact situation – would you call it red flags?
This one is more of a “thought experiment.” But it allows you to be a little more objective about the situation.
You can even actually do this with one of your friends and exchange perspectives.
But this requires you to have GOOD friends – you know, the ones who stab you in the front not the back. 😉 – AKA. the ones who will be honest with you. Oh, but you can’t get offended.
6) Think about your past experiences: What times were you RIGHT about your gut feelings?
Yes, think about the times you were on high alert in the past. Searching for every negative sign.
Now, write down every time your gut was right, and what exactly you were right about.
Then, write down every time your gut was wrong about your judgments (I mean red flags).
This helps you build – DISCERNMENT.
Discernment between not only how to detect someone with poor intentions or incompatibilities. But to get clearer on good intentions and compatibilities.
AND to figure out how YOU are contributing to this “problem” (or not).
Concluding Thoughts
I got inspiration to write this post because I was on YouTube this morning watching a video about yet another person ranting about – “if you feel bad vibes from someone, or if someone is not making you happy – just run away.” Although I mostly agree with this – I decided to make a critique on the video:
(Comment)
“There is a difference between “bad vibes” (people with ill-intent) and people who are rough around the edges. Sometimes people who are rough around the edges have good intent. So what you need to do is develop discernment between the two (which is actually a skill). While I think it’s perfectly fair to walk away from something that is CLEARLY not mutual or never going to build into marriage/serious relationship- or anything fruitful. I also think people are WAY too hung up on walking away from anything remotely negative, and they automatically label it “toxic” or “bad vibes” and it’s “not making me happy.” Sometimes you need time to first reflect and figure out whether or not it is truly toxic, more importantly if YOU are the one making it toxic first. If nothing else, this may help you change your perspective in the future.“
Last point to think about:
How are you supposed to develop your intuitive muscles without having SOME negative experiences?
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