The challenge of compatibility vs. chemistry in relationships. You have chemistry with someone, but no compatibility. You have compatibility but no chemistry. And you start to ask yourself – is there ever going to be that person that you have both with? – There is that person – but it isn’t really an easy answer.
Compatibility in a relationship means that both partners understand and accept each other’s life goals and beliefs – it seems a lot easier to understand someone when you have a shared vision of your lives.
Chemistry on the other hand is that charged attraction. This feeling of attraction can come in the form of physical and emotional. When you are a little different from someone – or even A LOT different, this is what creates chemistry.
Here is the thing – chemistry can be felt with A LOT of different people and is very much valued in the world (because it’s emotionally/sexually based). True compatibility is not as common, but incredibly de-valued in modern day society (because it isn’t sexy to talk about).
Chemistry is mostly based on feeling; compatibility is mostly based on fact.
So, which is more valuable?
(See 7 Questions to Ask Yourself If It’s Obsession or True Love)
In my opinion, if you want longevity in a relationship – the most important aspect is compatibility.
Does that mean you go for someone who doesn’t turn you on? No.
But the point I’ve reached in my life is that I’ve realized that compatibility is actually what turns me on.
Do you want to be with someone who is the exact same as you? No.
But when people tell me:
“He said he doesn’t want kids, but I do”
“I am hardcore atheist and she is a Christian”
“He will come around to wanting to settle down with me.”
“I am a social justice warrior and he loves Donald Trump.” LOL
“I want a open relationship and she doesn’t”
“I don’t believe in marriage but he does”
– this all turns me off, and I put a big potential question mark in front of these statements. Of course, there may be third options to all of these instances. But it’s very challenging to argue with someone’s core values and preferences – and to be honest, why would you want to bend them to your will?
Do you want to be with someone that you can build a foundation with? If yes, then you can’t build a foundation solely on physical and emotional attraction.
Is it possible to have both a shared vision and attraction?
YES, but it’s not going to be perfect or exactly 50/50.
You see, even though you might be with someone you are compatible with – you are still different. A man and a woman in a dynamic are quite different in nature.
Now, I am not demonizing chemistry – it’s important. It’s what PULLS people together. Think about it… if we didn’t have the juicy feelings of chemistry running through our body, we wouldn’t have the urge to reproduce (and thus, carry on the human race).
But what I am saying, is that valuing attraction alone can sometimes blind our better judgement.
I’m also saying that if you are wanting to make a more trustworthy decision, running your decision through the compatibility criteria first, and then chemistry second – may be a better way of gaining clarity.
Chemistry could be more felt through a spectrum like a volume switch – and you can feel how high or low the volume is (which is always changing). Compatibility is more of your list of non-negotiables that have check mark boxes (which could potentially change – but there are fundamental values that don’t really change- see phrases stated above).
I’m very lucky and grateful in my relationship because I have a partner that I’m compatible with and we also have chemistry. But I can tell you, if we didn’t have any substance of compatibility – we probably would’ve ended our relationship before it began.
Do I feel the high volumes of chemistry every single day? No.
Could our shared life goals and values change? Yes.
(See 6 Key Insights on What Makes A Relationship Last)
But isn’t it better to make decisions based on something with a little more stable footing than on a fantasy of feeling?
Sure, life is chaotic, and you are going to have obstacles thrown at your shared vision.
But you can try to reduce a few of the hiccups with better informed decisions in the first place.
I have heard a theory that we attract people into our lives who are very different from us in order to call in parts of ourselves that we have disowned. It’s nothing more than an opportunity to make ourselves more whole and have compassion for people who think differently from us.
But then, you eventually get tired of banging your head on a wall trying to get someone to see your side. Then you find someone who is on your same team, and you appreciate them so much more when you find them.
Something to think about.
This post was inspired by:
Jack Butler
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