I was always told I need to improve myself, and I’m not alone. It isn’t a completely terrible thing, and sometimes a person needs to hear it. While everyone on this earth can greatly benefit from this advice on some level.
There is also a dark side of the self improvement industry I was completely unaware of. And that is – the constant pursuit for self-improvement can keep you stuck in a degree of self-hatred.
I also call it, “the downside to self improvement.”
From a young age, I was listening to my Dad’s motivational cassette tapes while I was sitting in the back seat of the vehicle. I also remember watching my Mom do aerobics workouts day after day.
My siblings were either competing in music or sports – and doing quite well. Academics was certainly something my siblings strived in (I was fine with C+ for Claire). The strive for perfectionism was alive and well.
None of this is bad on the surface. There is also truly something inspiring about working hard, and having it pay off in the long run.
It wasn’t just my family who were striving to BE better. It was also the messaging I received from society:
“Do this workout routine and make your body better in one week”
“Reasons why your relationship sucks, and how to make it better”
“Set new year’s resolutions, and then become a better person”
“The only way to get anything done is to set goals”
“Why you are sad/angry/depressed, how to be happy all the time”
“Eat this, not that and change your body for good”
Of course the messaging doesn’t sound exactly like this, I am adding a little dramatic effect. But you get the idea.
We subconsciously hear this information day after day – and it’s even worse with social media.
As you can see, what this messaging all has in common is that you will improve some time in the future.
Not right now, but only once you have worked on something that you don’t even know will work or not – THEN you will improve.
Seems like a pretty good sales pitch, right? And you know what’s even better? The sales are perpetual – because you will always want to improve.
Just as millions of others, I was a junkie for the constant desire to be a more fit, more confident, and a more attractive individual. But a junkie is never satisfied.
After years of this I started to wonder why my “hard work” wasn’t paying off – in a truly soul fulfilling way.
It’s because I was never satisfied with exactly where I was at, every day. I was always dreaming of what I could be, never being content with what I already have.
What is the antidote to being unsatisfied? – gratitude and acceptance. For literally everything in your life. That isn’t just exclusive to being grateful for the positive things. It’s also having gratitude for your uncomfortable experiences. Comfortable or uncomfortable – it’s all great.
Have you ever met those people who are not physically attractive to societies “standards”, but they are just ALL OUT about who they are? You just absorb in their presence because their essence is so attractive.
Have you ever asked yourself – why do I want to be better than I am now? If the answer is, because the way you are is currently hurting other people – then yes, maybe keep striving.
BUT, more often than not – there is this slight sadistic desire to be BETTER than others. It comes out of a desire for competition to make yourself feel more worthy than others. If you can just prove you come out on top – then that means you are more valuable on this earth.
Couldn’t be further from the truth, and you don’t win.
Here is how to remedy any conditioned “you should change yourself to be better” thoughts and thus counter the downsides to self-improvement:
Ruminating Thought: You look fat, you should stop eating so much and start working out more.
Remedy Thought: One day I will look at old photos of myself and see how beautiful I was and still am.
Ruminating Thought: I need to write goals to feel like I’m in control of where I am going.
Remedy Thought: I could have goals, but I know once I reach a goal – I won’t be finished, and I will just want to set more goals. Maybe having intentions is more easeful.
Ruminating Thought: I don’t want to get sick so I am going to make sure I don’t get sick by working out, making sure everything I eat is healthy, and take 1000 vitamins.
Remedy Thought: If I get sick, I will embrace getting sick. I trust my immune system to do its job, and I know I will appreciate not feeling sick even more so. AND I’m going to revel in doing absolutely nothing for a couple days.
Ruminating Thought: If I don’t work hard at work people will think I am lazy and probably find me annoying because of it.
Remedy Thought: I literally have nothing to prove to anyone. Everyone is going through their own problems, and they really don’t care about you “not working hard enough” as much as you think – if at all.
Ruminating Thought: How come my relationship doesn’t look the same as some people on social media
Remedy Thought: A lot of people don’t show the entirety of their relationship on social media. A relationship isn’t ALL good or ALL bad. It’s somewhere in between. Most people will not share anything that doesn’t make them “look better” in some way.
Ruminating Thought: What is my future going to look like with this person/work/health?
Remedy Thought: Tarot cards…. JUST KIDDING.
Whatever plan God has for you will be a lot better than you trying to figure it out right now. Let life show you what is going to happen – and be present. Don’t you love the fact that life is mysterious?
Ruminating Thought: I didn’t say that thing in that conversation in the exact way I wanted
Remedy Thought: They are caught up in their own world and they are not picking apart your words. And if you are worried your words might cause you to be disliked – have a little humility that not everyone will love you 😊
The biggest thing I have learned from the self-improvement game is that its not the same thing as true soul growth.
Soul growth is not necessarily adding more and doing more. Rather, it’s going through revealing experiences that refine you down to who you truly are.
And who you are at the core resembles a child. The child you were without the conditioning – and distortions of how you “should be” better than that child.
This post was inspired by:
Alan Watts
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