When I’ve met new people in the past, sometimes I would ask them what their first impression of me was. Often they would say, “you seem like a strong independent woman.”
It just seems to be the energy I give off to people. And this energy was my way to cope.
Although others might see me this way, inside there is this other part of me. A part of me that is very much dependent (on others). From my point of view, I now see myself as more of an “interdependent woman.”
There is an important difference.
On Google, the definition of independent and interdependent is as follows:
Independent: free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority.
Interdependent: (of two or more people or things) dependent on each other.
Why is this distinction important? Because, just like no man is an island – a woman is not one either.
Let me explain why I am so passionate about this topic. . .
A few years ago, I entered my first experience of post-secondary education. I had zero expectations going into the Business program in college. Just like so many others, I had no idea what I wanted to do in a career – so I took a chance. I ended up absolutely loving it, I truly felt like I was learning something valuable.
I felt like the areas of study all aligned with certain parts of my personality. The entrepreneurial creative, the planner, the analyst, the writer, the accountant, and the psychologist. This was the beginning of me establishing my individuality. In other words, becoming a more “independent woman.”
A couple years after I finished college, I decided to return to school to finish a business degree program at university (minoring in Sociology). Particularly in my studies in sociology, I was learning about the societal roles of men and women.
The overall message I received was essentially not practical in everyday dynamics between men and women. Overall, my education taught me that I should loathe the societal institutions that have been built. Specifically, the more traditional institutions like marriage.
These were the times where I was starting to form beliefs around men and women – what do each of them really need. The beliefs I was forming were in opposition to the subject matter I was learning in school.
I’d be going to class and learning about how monogamy is un-natural, and that women are oppressed in the workplace.
All the while my intuition was screaming something else.
While I was learning these things, instead of making me feel empowered and confident about being a woman. I felt ashamed instead. More importantly, I felt like as soon as I went to university, someone was telling me how I should feel about being a woman.
During the sexual revolution in the 60s, men and women were deemed to be “liberated” sexually. In layman’s terms, this was the movement towards being able to have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want. This was largely due to the distribution of the birth control pill, freeing women from the possibility of becoming pregnant. (Or at least lowering the chances).
This mentality among society has seemed to carry on right through till today. It’s now common place to hear about polyamorous relationships, and casual dating/sex. It is also common to hear the word divorce. Phrase’s I often hear are – “I’m an independent woman” or “What do I need a man for?”
Even though I felt empowered about many things “I didn’t need a man for”.
There was this undercurrent of a slight degree of hatred towards men (and guilt because I had that feeling), coupled with deep loneliness.
I was aware that I could get things done on my own. Make a good career for myself and get physically fit for myself. I could become mentality stronger, maintain my friendships, and take myself out for dinner. Grow a relationship with God, and own a home myself. I know that no matter if you are a man or a woman, you can make a great life – even alone.
I was going along through life having attained most of these things, but I always felt like there was something missing.
I’ve had moments where I genuinely felt – I could probably live without a man.
But I also felt if I was completely honest with myself, I had a deep desire to find a partner.
(See The “Salt of the Earth” Husband – How Praying Helped My Love Life)
You see, I was starting to realize that even though I was independent – I was equally dependent.
These days, there are increasingly women who are taking in more income than men. But my income cannot provide me with romance, emotional support, companionship, a family, and a best friend to share experiences with. These are all things I am dependent on a man for (news flash – men are also dependent on us for this!).
Of course, you must surrender to the fact that you might not find that partner you would like to have an interdependent relationship with.
But what I am saying is, even though you are out there trying to prove to yourself that you don’t need anyone (especially a man).
Consider there may be a tiny voice inside telling you otherwise.
This post isn’t just exclusive to feeling like you don’t need a partner in your life. It also applies to all the connections in your life – and the realization that you are dependent on their love and support too.
I’ve dug underneath my impulses to not want to depend on others. What I found is that it was coming from a place of complete lack of trust in others and myself. It also came from the new conditioning of the world – where it’s “sexy” to be an independent woman.
Personally, I found this to be an unrealistic goal and felt tired of having to prove something.
It’s a beautiful thing to sometimes depend on others for help. And trusting them to help you in their own way (without you intervening). You are dependent on this help from others just like they are dependent on your help.
The difference is that everyone has their independent free will to choose to help. And this is what creates the delicious diversity of co-creation in the world.
Learn to trust others and yourself,
This post is inspired by:
Healing the Collective Feminine Wounds Training by Anya Grace (Affiliate Link)
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